Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
yes… yes…
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.