Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“you recording!?”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”