The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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this is how life feels
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan