thank god
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.