Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
why would tinder want me to say this
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Duolingo getting serious.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body