Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.