Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.