“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
good for her
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.