Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
🔦🌙👣
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?