*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.