This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.