me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.