In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.