what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.