If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
You Might Also Like
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
☠️☠️☠️
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.