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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
good for her
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.