I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
this chia pet tastes awful
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Breaking news:
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.