I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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