My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
security at the airport getting more straightforward