🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
😜
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?