I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
this is the news I live for
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.