[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.