Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg