Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one