My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Wednesday
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken