馃幎I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus馃幎
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Friend: Don鈥檛 you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Me:
Remember when we didn鈥檛 have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won鈥檛 load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
The mall reopened today, but I don鈥檛 have any Bath & Body coupons so I鈥檓 not going.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Worlds greatest photobomb
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
You: Cute kid. What鈥檚 his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I鈥檓 really into stereotypes.
I don鈥檛 know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?