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All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
when mom throws a party…
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve