Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?