My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
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[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.