Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*