8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Nomnomnomnom
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”