[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)