If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
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Word!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings