And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.