“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
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4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.