I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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6. me as a lawyer
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.