I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.