You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said