WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
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I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year