Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”