[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
You Might Also Like
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Europe. Made in Germany.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.