My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Spring cleaning checklist…
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
#Caturday
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.