I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I need to update my racial profile.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Good point.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology: