Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
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I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀