O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time