escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Noted.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.