Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
May never get over this
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
That’s classic.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”