Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.