Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
You Might Also Like
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
This is a true ally.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.