An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies